First game of the new campaign gives people the chance to improve on their prior season and for the new signings to stake a place in the starting 11. We even had a proper ref!  We were up for it; the seven goals scored could easily have been more and the new-look defence will only improve in the coming weeks. We started brightly with the midfield dominating.  Pass, move and repeat. Simple stuff and it wasn’t long till we were ahead.  Despite them pulling it back to 1-1, we turned the proverbial screw and cranked up the pressure.  Joe showed what he had picked up from Vini during his shameful spell in the firsts by hitting the post twelfty times while Sammadeus had a goal disallowed, for the ref not seeing it cross the line. He also must have missed the oppo cursing the concession and kicking the ball up for kick off! Rich Wood finished a five-pass move with great aplomb and we were 3-1 up at the break. We got slightly sloppy in the second half, though Al continued scoring while Joe continued hitting the post.  Shuttling runs from Mike and Ben caused havoc down their left and it wasn’t long before we had hammered seven past them.  Al even had time to make to make a cuppa before missing an open goal…how we sniggered.

With the hysterical screams of our Scottish captain, forbidding us to look at the league table after one game, ringing in our ears (rumour has it Joss cried himself to sleep on Friday, following the outburst…) we headed to Reigate confident, but not overly so. In the absence of the Fran “the Admin King” (he loves it too much…), Alex took over captain duties which resulted in just 10 players arriving in the correct place at the correct time. With a hastily performed warm up, the true master stroke came from the stand in captain as the pre match team talk revolved around the importance of grabbing an early goal. Within 45 seconds the 4ths had delivered. Retaining precession straight from kick off, Joe picked the ball up on the right wing and slotted it across the box, where Alex performed a well executed dummy, so well executed that everyone on the pitch thought it was a case of miscontrol, and Mungo buried it in the bottom corner. From there the Comics never looked back, playing some lovely football we went in 5 up at half time, with two well taken braces for Lomas and Joe. The scoreline may have flattered us somewhat as the defence was playing exceptionally well to keep the sheet clean. A last ditch challenge from summer signing dave Gordon perhaps the pick of a great bunch. The second half saw the arrival of Samadeus on the right wing and he rewarded the decision with a goal, which was greeted with vicious boo’s. In the end Lomas grabbed four, Joe a hat trick added to Mungo and Samadeus’s strikes. A goal for Reigate straight from a corner was the only blemish on a satisfying trip to the far reaches of League 9 South. Two games played, two wins and 16 goals scored is not the worse start for the newly promoted Comics 4ths, but no one dare look at the table.

For the second week in a row the 4ths had to venture out to furthest reaches of the civilised world to once again mock a team in the art of football. The long train journey did give time to reminisce on the events of the previous weekend, with the recurring comments being “jesus, I’d forgotten about that…” and “I still felt bad on Monday…”. Sean was also able to regale his previous nights exploits in the Serious Burns Wing of Guys and St Thomas’, to the delight of all. The oppo were not great, a fact that Joss took the time to tell them in no uncertain terms in the changing room afterwards, and 7-0 only flattered them, not us. Straight from the off the Comics played them off the park, with some lovely passing football orchestrated by starting QB Rich “the loveable drunk” Wood, who passed for a total of 1,112 yards, with no picks. Gibbs bundled in the first after the keeper fumbled from a corner and then shocked everyone by grabbing a second moments latter. The defence looked solid and the midfield and forwards dangerous. Going in only two up at h/t was of only slight concern as Mungo boshed in the third, five minutes into the third quarter. The goals then started to flood in as their keeper’s confidence disappeared quicker than a bottle of cheap white wine between Joe and Rich. The remaining goals were shared equally between Lomas and Joe, but alas there is no space to talk about them here. Gibbs was denied a hat trick as his 30 yarder was sliced wide, mainly due to the fact that he was already wheeling away in celebration halfway through the shot.

The Comics lined up against a strong Guildford side. We had made a promising to start to the season, but would we produce the goods again today? Sadly it wasn’t to be with three poor goals conceded and a penalty spurned in the last five minutes. Failure to clear lines saw a Guildford shot ricochet off Al into the back of our net. That leaves Al struggling to get into the positive goal scoring charts – with a x64 weighting for a defender’s goal, negated for being in the wrong net. The introduction of Sam and Bainsy paid dividends as we pulled one back shortly after the break. The mutual respect shown for not passing between Bainsy and Lomas was like love at first sight and the grafter struck sweetly to put it away.

However, a conceded goal straight from our goal kick knocked the wind out of us and it wasn’t long before a third squirmed in. Good work by Joe and Rich W produced pressure and we a got penalty after Bainsy "If that wasn’t a foul, give that man an oscar" (quote Guildford no4) was felled. Lomas stepped up but it wasn’t to be. He tried to pass it into the net, which by implication meant it didn't leave the spot.

Not our day. Rich W nailed a bottle of wine to cheer himself up while the usual motley crew hit London’s no1 nightspot – Penny D’s.

Another Saturday, another trek to the outer reaches of Surrey and to top it off another draw. We are turning into quite the 2-2 specialists these days. A ridiculous detour via three grounds eventually saw us rock up to the correct place. RSA looked strong and up for it. However, from kick-off, we were all over them. We were tight at the back, solid in midfield and strong in attack. A well-worked move saw Joe put us ahead. Further pressure saw us rattle the post and a shot cleared off the line. One-way traffic would overstate it, but not by much.

Shortly after half time, they pulled one back. Our heads seemed to drop and they went 2-1 ahead. With the light fading badly, Joe rattled home the equaliser to improve the afternoon (relatively) from despair to just one of frustration. Ultimately, we haven’t found our spark this season. At times we have played excellent football but not put teams to the sword. Everyone needs to step up and want the ball for 90 minutes.

When the team sheet was announced late on Saturday morning, a few souls raised eyebrows, expressing concerns that the mean streets of Derby and Exeter uni were increasing their stranglehold on the team. However, there was no mutiny and the Derby School of Exeter (DSE) old boys were ready to kick off their double header.  The oppo hadn’t had a great season (one win yet still on nil points) and the Comics pressed hard from the outset, roared on by the bumper home crowd, swelled in every sense through Sean and Big Gay Al.  Bainsy had a couple of cheeky shots well saved while John’s running and Joe’s stumbling had them at sixes and sevens.  It wasn’t long before we had the ball in the net with Raj being the scorer – the only surprise being that it was a clean shot and not a Loyla™ stumbled, scuffed goal.  Rich soon realised that this was a day of four quarters and so put on his quarterback helmet to start delivering Hail Mary passes left, right and centre. John’s excellent work was rewarded with two goals and we were deserving of 3-0 when the hour was up. 

The second game kicked off to a lacklustre attitude. Wands began to venture into our half and it took Christian to rally the troops.  One break up the park later and ‘impact player’ Sammadeus set John up for his first of the game and hat trick for the day.  Sam then obliged with a goal for himself and we were coasting.  Mungo had slotted into left back seamlessly while Al Lee, Fran and Doug were enjoying the afternoon in the sunshine.  It wasn’t long before Joe "the Sheriff of Nottingham" Williams continued his relentless pursuit for the golden plimsoll by slotting away another couple of goals. Abudy produced an excellent save to prove he was paying attention and it was smiles all round.  The oppo were summed up by fighting among themselves at the final whistle while the DSE sauntered to the bar safe in the knowledge that six points was an excellent reward for an afternoon at the office. 

We strolled up to the rock-hard pitch with a sheet wind blowing a gale 90 degrees across our faces.  This Glyn side were not to be underestimated and the conditions would make it a tough day at the office.  The opening exchanges were haphazard to say the least and it took time for us to put our foot on the ball and pass it about. Soon after that a Mungo lay-off produced a Zarno Whoah cross which their defender completely misjudged.  Joe steamed in and rifled the ball home on the volley. It was a difficult ball to take and Joe did exceptionally well to make it look easy. 

After that, the Comics were on top and the defence could enjoy another clean sheet. John bamboozled them at every turn while Raj seemed to run everywhere.  It wasn’t long before a bit of shin pinball in the box resulted in Lomas snatching his customary goal via an accidental stumble. Richie Wood was being sacked at every opportunity by the defensive line so took his revenge by delivering a touchdown straight from an offensive corner.  Sam demonstrated his range by floating 45-yard passes to John’s feet while Gibbsy snarled at anything that moved (including us).  Joe then showed his ballet skills – honed at the Nottingham Uni dance society – by pirouetting on a sixpence and slotting home the fourth.   This was a big effort by the Comics and everyone stood up to be counted. Five games left this season and all still to play for.  Bring it on! 

An unchanged line up from the prior week settled nicely into the game and we looked promising on the attack with Lomas and Joe continually causing problems.  However we didn’t really get into gear and failure to clear our lines resulted in a shot on target.  Their striker was clearly offside but you gotta take the rough with the smooth and one nil down it finished at the break.  We began to find our purpose in the second half and the introduction of John began to pay dividends.  John was running in between their players causing havoc, feeding off lovely throws from QB Rich W and passes from the rest of the team.  It wasn’t long before Mr Mills dragged us level. The second and eventually winner would soon follow.

In typical fashion Raj found himself surrounded by three defenders about eight yards out from goal. Rather than try and turn them or find the pass, a Loyla stumble™ and scuff saw the ball trickle into the back of the net.  This was in complete contrast to his cleanly struck strike in the first 45, which needless to say sailed high and wide into the bushes.  Al Lee, in his own words, was having “a great game… as always” while Gibbsy slotted into right back seamlessly.  Tobi showed he was still awake by tipping a looping header over the bar, while his kicking and commanding of the box was second to none.  It was great to have Ben back in the team after injury and he showed his team spirit by missing from two yards, ensuring that no glory would be taken from Raj’s stumble.  Mungo fizzed a shot over the bar while Zarno Whoah had to fend off an assault from their Scottish midfielder. All in all, an excellent result.  Everyone dug in and showed their true quality to produce the goods. Centurions, general sloppyness, ruining it for others and god knows what else awaited in the evening. 

Fuck me, this was an afternoon to forget. Anticipation was high leading up to the day and we were up for it. Ultimately, a lack of height, a strong wind and five goals against would be our downfall. The opening exchanges were tense with both teams not wanting to commit. It began to open up slightly and the Comics were beginning to pass it around and hold possession nicely. John stepped up a gear and a burst of speed saw him skin three defenders and a reverse cross on his weaker side landed squarely where he knew the Grafter would stumble. 1-0 it was. Tensonians began to get their act together and started to hoof it up the park to their strikeforce. We were able to withstand that ok, it was the set pieces that we just couldn’t handle. Al Lee had sent round a weather report prior to the game but neglected to mention the 20mph wind that would be blowing straight into our faces. Four long throws and a corner launched straight into our six-yard box, wind with towards their 6ft 2”+ striker against our 5ft 10” defence proved disastrous. We did rally ourselves after the break and got one back. In fact we played some nice possession football in the second half with Rich W, Mungo and john being the standouts. Ultimately, however, it was not our day. The journey home was boozy and that set the tone for the evening. Plans to find somewhere other than Penny D’s/Afterskool proved unpopular, with Goddard and Joe starting a smear campaign against any other venue. It wasn’t long before we succumbed to the inevitable and Afterskool loomed large.

A hot summer’s day brought the best out of the fourth team. It may have only been 2-1 at the break but we soon stepped up a gear and put the game beyond reasonable doubt. The game started with us on top and John’s fantastic turn of pace and goal threat had them on their toes from the off. Their keeper, who is normally their left back, was having a blinder and saved shot after shot. However it wasn’t long before two now customary Loyla stumbles © made it two up. There must be some talent in being able to sclaff a shot beyond the goalkeeper, nutmeg two defenders and giving the ball just enough power to go a yard past the line but stop before it hits the net. Fulham got one back before the break though to be fair the contest was never really in doubt. This was confirmed by one of the oppo shouting “Come on guys. They are the much better team and yet it is only 2-1 against us.” This seemed to spur us on. Two noodle goals from the lethal John and 4-1 it was. Despite everyone’s best efforts, Raj couldn’t get his hattrick. A free header on goal, a penalty and still no third goal. Frankly, if it isn’t a scuffed shot through a crowd of players, it isn’t worth doing, eh? Comics were by far the dominant side with Craig shouting all sorts of instructions from the back keeping everyone in check brilliantly. Meanwhile, Rich W surely cemented his position at the top of the “most fouled player in the AFC” table with foul after foul raining in on our playmaker. Gaz came on and toe poked one goal in while his twisting and turning set Joe up for nice volley… an excellent reward for his industrious afternoon.

Three teams chasing the top two spots. Our final two games are going be HUGE.

Bollocks. This was one to forget. There was so many call-offs for this game that at one point Fran thought this was an elaborately staged Coops prank. However unfunny that would have been, it would have been better than what unfolded. Cancelling the game wasn’t an option due to fixture congestion. An RSA victory would mean they would go top, guaranteed of promotion, while anything other than a Comics victory would seemingly make promotion a lost cause for us. A hastily assembled side took time to compose themselves and start working as a team. By that time the oppo smelled blood and went in for the kill. Plenty of possession and shots weren’t converted into goals due to some dogged defending. The rear guard was breached in the 40th minute though and 0-1 it was at the break.

A revitalised Comics side started brightly in the 2nd half. Rich W was beginning to dominate the midfield while Sam’s endless running was complemented by some solid defending. A lofted free kick was turned in by Theo, rewarding a commanding performance. 1-1 and we were in the ascendancy. However ,failure to clear our lines in the 80th minute would prove costly and they snatched a goal. We had to go for it – Theo and Al Lee, playing his 3rd position of the day, went on the offensive and we launched balls forward. Almost inevitably, they broke forward and 1-3 it finished. Gutting.

Week 32 of the season would see our campaign conclude. A minimum of a draw would seal promotion after Strand Poly did us an unexpected favour last week. We needed to be up for it from the off… oh for an early goal to settle the nerves. Well… how about three up after 12 minutes? Mickleham were simply blown away by short, simple passing and John’s lightning speed and crossing down the flank. Joe and the grafter, wearing 70s streetwear trainers, notched one a piece in the opening six minutes. Then John, after crossing for the first two, gathered the ball at the half way line, left three defenders in his wake before slotting casually past the keeper. Mickleham began to dry themselves off from the tsunami opening and snatched a goal back. Fuck, it will be embarrassing when we lose 4-3 was the unspoken thought. Never fear however when the grafter is about, he will always stumble at the crucial moment. One yielded a rocket into the top corner while another was casually slotted home. A letter is on its way to Adidas to see if they can put studs onto their 1970s retro collection. The second half saw us consolidate the game. The golden plimsoll winner and players' player of the season grabbed another goal while grafter and John’s passing in front of goal was left unrewarded. DT and the captain’s player of the year were dominating the middle of the park while Ben’s wee shimmy foxed the defender every time. Mungo and Sam were patrolling the flanks with great aplomb while Loz, Al and Tobi were keeping it tight at the back. Gibbsy and Raj, both posted AWOL, were checking 5live feeds for score updates. Fran was probably doing admin on the sidelines while Mike entered the play to cries of “Whoah.” Nothing else left to do but for the fat lady to clear her throat and warble game, set and match. A few beers on the balcony, watching Goddard and the white lara (croft) win their cricket, gave us time to reflect on the season: Promotion and 2nd in the league, a cup final, 65 goals scored while all accompanied by gin and juice, team songs, tales of infernos and so much more. Brilliant.