The Comics dropped their first league points of the season, but in truth this was a point gained rather than two points dropped, as Witan were better and more committed and can consider themselves unfortunate not to come away with the win. The Comics were very flat throughout, once again passed the ball terribly, and gave away two comedy goals due to lack of communication at the back. To be fair Witan did not have too many chances, but then nor did we, so perhaps a draw was a fair result.

 

‘Inspirational’ skipper Sam headed home a corner to give the Comics the lead. Clearly the lad is already reaping the benefits from his new job ensuring that Ian Wright has the correct utensil to stir his hot chocolate with. It was the sort of header the ex-Arsenal striker would have been proud of, perhaps even screaming ‘AWOOGA’ as he turned to celebrate. But if Sam was channelling the spirit of one talkSPORT bigmouth, then Coops’ performance was pure Gaunty. Having been denied a stonewall penalty early on – and stonewall is very apt, for it was an act of multiple male rape that the referee failed to spot – he proceeded to be fat and lairy, bemoaning the presence of outsiders around him. Some Chuckle Brothers antics at the back between Goddard and Abudy let Witan in for a soft equaliser, but Joe slotted home from close range after Mungo’s shot was too hot to handle to give the Comics the lead again. Clearly feeling aggrieved at not scoring, Mungo nodded home in the second half, but sadly at the wrong end. Once again this was due to miscommunication, as Mungo failed to pick up Abudy’s thought waves, smoke signals or carrier pigeon message. From then it was one-way traffic. Sam made a bold tactical move, taking off the lovesick puppy Murray – too busy dreaming about dribbling down Emily’s flanks and bursting into her box – and hoping that bringing on a complete stranger would confuse the oppo as much as it would us, but it didn’t really work. Now watch this drive.

 

Steve had another fine game in the middle, and our cross-breed of Joey and Ross from friends, mixed with a bit of Theo and a lot of cake, did sterling work at left-back on his debut, but most others would be disappointed with their showing as we were generally second-best throughout. Improvement is needed if we are to get another promotion.  

Report to come when Sam finishes his busy schedule of tennis, Jeremy Kyle and tugging it till only dust comes out.  

The Comics suffered their first league defeat to a very strong Woking side. It was a footballing lesson, no surprise since the opposition were as old as my teachers at school, but they knew how to play and also how to bend the rules slightly. With Sam out injured, and Goddard spending the Saturday beating himself up for his tragic near-miss with Claudia, Coops took the reins and requested that no easy corners were given away. Second minute and Al Lee gives away an easy corner, from which the skipper himself badly lost his man, allowing a free header. The second goal was a shocker, as the ref inexplicably missed the most blatant foul on Al, one that even a Haringey social worker would have noticed, to leave the Comics two down at the half. Two more followed in the second half, a fine individual goal and a mistake by Abudy, which gave the scoreline a slightly harsh look. Yes they were the better side, but the Comics missed a couple of sitters and their keeper made two unreal saves - it just wasn't our day. We had some very good spells, but still the passing isn't sharp and individual errors are costing us. Ed was man of the match, his pre-match X-Factor sob story to guarantee 90 minutes reducing Coops to tears, while Tom had a good game too - clearly the more talented of the Williams brothers.       

After 30 minutes of this game the Comics season was going down the gurgler. Lowly Paulines had taken a two-goal lead courtesy of some wobbly defending from the usual suspects, and the Comics, experimenting with Mad Professor Coops' 4-3-3, were all at sea. Al Lee provided the spark. Freed from the shackles of covering for Goddard and moved to the Luke Chadwick role, Al rampaged through the oppo before being felled by a Pauline fouler. Joe pen did his usual from the spot and the Comics went in to the break slightly upbeat. With the wind, the second half was a massacre. The back four settled down, with Naylor solid as a rock, and the midfield three swarmed all over Paulines, with Steve and Joey covering every inch of grass. But the goal wouldn't come and as time ticked down it looked like it wasn't going to be our day. But with ten to go, Coops decided to snap out of his barren spell and level matters. A deft touch 25 yards out, and a pinpoint chip into the top corner to leave both keepers cursing. Ref Middleton proclaimed it goal of the season, but then he is blind as a bat. In the dying minutes, a loose ball fell to Joe who did what he always does and stroked home with aplomb. A deserved win, a great fight-back, and one that will hopefully get the Fourths back in to the promotion chase.

Hancock's half hour was a much-loved TV show. But this Hancock's half hour of lateness meant the Fourths sitting in their pants while HSBC warmed up and got angry. And angry they were - no high-flying bankers in this team, rather they were strictly mailroom. They weren't much cop, but we were worse, and they quickly took a two-goal lead as we struggled with another experimental formation and a makeshift back four, which was less Fab Four and more Ill Divvos or JLMESS. With Doug running like he drives, HSBC were rampant, but the Comics did eventually settle down, and ultimately could have made it a lot closer, but Joe and Mungo missed good chances while the oppo added a long-range third. Coops scrambled home a late consolation but the defeat was more than deserved. A chronic lack of availability combined with consistently poor performances from pretty much everyone means that wins will not be easy to come by.

The Comics finally showed some spirit in the face of adversity to record an immensely satisfying and hard-fought victory over bottom side Fulham Compton. The omens were not good, as Cleggy and Sean had to be drafted in for rare appearances and then Luke decided to stay in bed, leaving us with 10. But Director of Football Murray splashed the cash in the transfer market, bringing in Barack Obama look-a-like Sanji from the LSE fifths. Sadly he was very much "No We Can't", aka ex-England cricketer Dougie Brown, and with him up front with Joebba the Hut, the Comics were under much defensive pressure. But John McCain Gollogly was putting his 45 years of experience to expert use on the left, while merk victim Cleggy 'wood' have an excellent game at right back.  Al was immense as always, while Frannavarro took over from Franble to repel attack after attack.  Chances did still come, but Abudy was to have the game of his life, making a string of incredible saves. Joey ran his usual marathon in midfield and he, Gibbsy and Mungo harried and hassled the opposition all game, causing the academy of total football that is Fulham Compton II to cry and moan about the fierceness of our play. It made a nice change to see the Comics putting it about a bit and throwing in a few 'reducers', but to their eternal shame the oppo - a team of giants no less - just could not take a tackle and let themselves down badly with their bleating. It only needed one goal, and it was a good'un, as Coops drifted away from his hated right-wing spot to Mungo territory, took a touch and then rifled over the keeper into the top corner. All that was left was to remind the Jimmy Bullard type claiming that we didn't know how to play football about the fact we'd won with half a team, that we were about eight places above them in the league, and that they were gash. Great stuff.  

Promotion hopes took a hit with a bad loss to Wandsworth. The oppo are one of the better sides in the league, and gave us a first half footballing lesson, but this was still a game that should have been won. Boro fully deserved to take the lead with a free header from a corner and had lots of pressure, but the defence was able to hold firm against the barrage. The Comics eased their way back into it but it was definitely against the run of play when Joe puts Coops through and he slotted calmly past the keeper. One all at half-time, and with the wind and slope in our favour, it was there to win. Chances were missed, with Goddard's free header the most telling - Sandra Redknapp would have scored it. It looked a matter of time, but then on a rare Boro foray Abudy fumbled one and was tackled by the attacker while re-collecting on the line. The goal stood, much to Comics protests, and two decent penalty shouts also went against us, but once again we had not done enough to win. The squad is beginning to look stronger, with Menno making a solid return and Martin showing promise on debut, but we can't afford to drop many more points.   

Finally, finally, the Comics put in a terrific all-round performance to massacre a Guildfordians side that had been doing well all season. The scoreline did not reflect the gulf between the two sides, but did reflect 90 minutes of effort, determination and good football. Coops chose to go with the 3-5-2, and it worked well. Naylor didn't give his man a kick, while the Als repelled attacks and distributed well. Menno and Dennis kept the flanks secure and Abudy was assured behind them. The midfield three of Steve, Gibbsy and Mungo hassled and harried, while debutant Andy - in place of Joe, who had gone west to play Old Man Steptoe in the remake of the Shepherd's Bush-based drama - ran miles up front and was a constant threat with his flicks and aerial power. Right that's those donkeys name-checked. Coops stroked home the first, and saw his cross bundled in for an own goal, before another smart right-footed finish made it 3-0 at half time. Another excellent finish from an Andy flick brought up the hat-trick, and then a tap-in from another Andy pass made it 5-0 before the fans favourite left the fray to give Fran a break from reffing. The game then went flat before a late goal explosion. A smart finish from Dennis and then two lovely strikes from Andy made it a rout. Steve improbably completed the scoring, having squandered a few open goals he finally scuffed one home - maybe this was to do with wearing a spare Coops pair, rather than his own pair of concrete Fyffes.   

The team went to the cinema to see smash-hit "The Curious Case of Samjamin Button" - Sam was born under unusual circumstances, and got younger as he got older. And so it was that he went to university, then chose not to work for a year afterwards, then learned to drive, then spent time at school. Where was he when he could be managing his team? Probably suckling on his mum's teat. McDonalds had been the controversial junk food sponsor of the film, with Menno sporting Ronald McDonald's shoes, Steve and Al Lee looking like they used Big Macs as flannels and Goddard seemingly having fallen head first into the deep fat fryer. Oh yes the game. The Comics were lucky (again). Possession stats would not be pretty but the defence held up well despite being a bit chaotic, and Coops and Joe pen notched very much against the run of play. Goddard's disfigured head added a third before half-time, and though his error would cancel that out, Reigate had little in the way of chances to show for their superiority in other areas. Joey was excellent, winning tackle after tackle. Not drinking is his tip to the puffing alcoholics around him. All this and Chicken Phall at the Market Hotel afterwards to boot! The curry went down well with all, but Goddard found that the spice-induced sweat did not mix well with his Singing Detective face cream - a carriage on his own awaited while Haz-Mat quarantined the area.   

The Comics returned to their earlier season form with another fortuitous draw versus Old Thorntonians. A promising start soon turned into backs against the wall stuff (and not just due to Emsley's roving eye) as Thorns maintained constant pressure, making one wonder why they've been so afraid of playing us in the past. Joey covered miles and won a lot of ball again, desperately trying to avoid a barrage of race hate from the returning gaffer Sam 'Big Ron' Lehmann, but as at Reigate there was a lack of purpose and execution all round and a beating was on the cards. Just before half-time the inevitable happened when a mix-up between stand-in Veitch and Rikos allowed their big striker to flick home. As arguments over the formation took place at half-time, and strong words were exchanged (although no one was quite sure what Rikos was saying - his 'we're just the laggard' was up there with 'you pick up the little john and follow him into the shower' from LSE 1996). The end result was a slight improvement, and while this Comics team can't pass or shoot straight, it does battle, and the boys fought gamely to stay just one down. Gibbs was taken off, got in his car, drove home, filled baby Sam's pram with toys, drove back and threw them out, and while Thorns were distracted by the hollering at pitchside the Comics would complete the smash 'n grab to get their point. Joe laid it off to Coops who sent a long-range missile into orbit as he was being run over by their bulldozer. A few minutes later it re-entered the Earth's atmosphere and settled just under the bar. The Comics almost got on top, but the introduction of George Weah's cousin meant a draw would be the best case, and Veitch made amends with a good late save to secure a point.    

The Comics kept up their promotion push with a scrappy if ultimately comfortable win against basement-dwelling Old Paulines. Following a minute's silence for their club mascot Pauline Fowler, the makeshift Comics side took control early. Sam got the Ali Dia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_Dia) treatment as Menno turned up late and replaced him after ten minutes, before Coops weaved his way down the left and put Mungo in for his first since game one. Another Coops ball from a free-kick was smartly headed home by Goddard to make it 2-0 at half-time. With a few new or rusty players it was never going to be a smooth performance, but the Comics battled hard and kept Paulines quiet, despite their, um, 'total football', also known as people slicing it off and giving the ball away, which has been richly rewarded with likely relegation. They did get a goal back from a penalty, and while Sam staged a one-man football hooliganism effort on the sidelines it looked like points could be dropped, but an own goal (despite shameful efforts from greedy Williams and Goddard to claim it) returned the two-goal buffer. Joe got the goal of the game with a great header from another Coops free-kick, and then Mungo nodded home from close range for his second after Coops' 1890s challenge on their keeper. The stand-in skipper would add a goal at the death to keep his two-goal lead in the boot race. The defence were their resolute selves (even Doug!), Veitch made a couple of smart saves and Steve and Lucas had excellent games in the middle of the park. Job done in difficult circumstances - not bad for the hoof it merchants against the purveyors of the beautiful game - but a better showing will be needed for the top-of-the-table clash next week.    

The Comics came away with a share of the spoils from the top-of-the-table clash with pace-setters Witan. Despite being outplayed and outmuscled by a very strong side, the Comics' resilience was on show again as they overcame adversity to steal a point. The Fourths took an early lead when Joey's customary hassling won a penalty in the box which Joe (pen) converted in usual fashion. A free header from a set piece brought Witan level, but the Comics would swiftly retake the lead via the same route when Al Lee smartly headed home from Coops' free-kick. Again though the lead was not held for long as Menno was adjudged to have bundled over a Witan player for a penalty, which stand-in keeper Watkins narrowly avoided keeping out. Naylor looked like he had given the Fourths the lead back but the goal was disallowed for a push. It was generally all Witan after that, but the Comics dug deep and held on grimly, with Naylor and Steve particularly impressive in the defensive struggle. A goal was inevitable, however, and it finally came on the hour. When Watkins collapsed in a heap after Goddard had come off injured, the game seemed up. But Menno stood firm in goal and the ten men kept the lead at one. With Witan sitting back and time running out, Joe found the anonymous Coops on the right wing. A dink over the fullback and a thunderous volley into the corner of the net and that was that. A rather fine goal even if I do say so myself. Again another dismal performance football-wise, but the effort level could not be faulted.    

An awful game, and the less said about it the better. Fulham Compton only had nine, which was just as well as 11 on 11 and we might have suffered for a horror show of ineptitude. In a pitch buried deep inside the woods in Putney, there were scenes reminiscent of the Blair Witch Project as the Comics ran around bewildered and shrieking in a clueless performance. It was started well, Joe's flick-on being powered home by Coops in the opening minutes, and a rout was inevitable. But while Fulham played as a team and ran their socks off, the Comics struggled to get motivated and went through the motions. Coops added a smart second after combining with Rich Wood down the left, but the anticipated goal avalanche did not occur. Indeed, the only second half highlights were Joey's Pinocchio impression and Menno belting a clearance into Sean's face - the second time this season when a Fourths player has tried to maim a senior citizen.    

The Comics once again showed off their unique brand of buffoonery, blunder and battle to come away with four points from a tricky double-header at high-flying Suttonians. It was a slow start even by our snail-like standards, as the returning Frew headed smartly past Veitch to give the fired-up Sutts an early lead. Playing into a strong wind the Comics were under the cosh, and the equaliser was very much against the run of play. The fans had been calling for the 'Twin Sheringhams' all season and they combined to level, with Coops' free kick being headed home smartly by Goddard. A stroke of luck followed when Sutts appeared to score but the ref said no. With the wind the Comics improved and the crossbar denied Coops twice. It was a lucky point, however, with Veitch making some outstanding saves.

 

Game two was better, with some Sutts guests returning to their usual team, and the Comics improving. Steve stroked home a Goddard header to give the Comics a 1-0 lead in the wind-assisted half, but the wind eased slightly and the Comics bossed the second period. Two from Coops and a fine volley from Steve meant a relatively comfortable victory. Veitch was outstanding all day, and the defensive unit were excellent again, repelling much Sutts pressure, while new-boy Clyde showed some silky skills on the wing. Two points dropped makes a title or promotion difficult now, but this was a very loseable game and one of the better performances of the season, so no shame in that.     

You really could copy and paste the match report each week. We played a team that weren't very good, played awfully, and somehow ended up winning again. A below-strength Thorntonians - giving a clue as to why they wimped out before Christmas - had the wind in the first half and led one-nil at the half with perhaps their only chance following some sloppy defending from a corner. Coops had missed a couple of early chances but the Comics were flat and giftless. The second half saw a big improvement, perhaps due to the introduction of Gibbsy, but mainly due to the wind, for it needed a strong gust for Steve's putt to slip through their stand-in keeper's chocolate wrists and crawl embarrassingly over the line. Sam then took off his blindfold long enough to fire over a perfect cross for Coops to head home, and Scotty completed the scoring in the final minute, dribbling through the keeper. Special mention again to the back four for another solid showing to keep Thorns' lively strikers at bay. With the rivals' double-header going quite well, two wins from three will seal promotion...game on!     

With most of the team filming gay porn in Devon, the Fourths were lucky to be able to call on some capable fill-ins for the tricky match against the ageing but strong Woking side that had dished out the worst beating of the season. Sadly, 'the curse' would strike them all down in the first half, as they happily joined in the puppet master slice-tastic effort you normally associate with the regulars. Woking led one nil at the half and could have been further up but for the crossbar and Pete's sure handling. The game would change on a controversial goal for Coops. Referee Rankin was pre-empting the Thirds at the dinner with his own mime routine, and allowed the goal to stand despite Woking's furious and probably incorrect protest. Dean added a second soon after and that should have been that, but Woking quickly levelled. Mungo took over refereeing duties and he too was to take the abuse that comes with allowing a goal to stand as Vini finished smartly. This one also looked fine - the senior citizens had trouble remembering the offside rule, and had clearly forgotten their own home town decisions in the first game. That and the hot sun wore Woking down, allowing Dean to grab another and Vini two more to complete a tidy hat-trick. Shock was to follow after the final whistle with a Wandsworth draw meaning that two wins will give this truly awful team the title!     

Dinner day meant fancy dress and an 80s icons theme, but before that the Fourths put on their clown suits and big feet for another comedy routine at the Berrylands Big Top. Needing a big win to seal promotion, they instead stumbled to the sort of win that means a loss versus Wandsworth will likely see promotion lost. Captain McFly went back to the future with a 5-3-2 and you didn't need a sports almanack to know how that would pan out. The Comics were again woeful - McEnroe was hampered by a broken string in his left racket, Gekko's greed is good meant he lumbered around lardily, while Al Lee was as unsuccessful in trying to find his team-mates as he was in finding a fancy dress shop. Gekko's strike made it one-nil at the half, but the goal bonanza never looked likely, leaving the crowd of Ghostbusters and Diego Maradona turning away to watch the Thirds' own bottle job. J.R came on for the Rabbi and with a headwind and 4-4-2 the Comics did improve. Superbrat found time among his tantrums to score a horrible goal and add another from the first good pass of the season from Burruchaga. In the closing minutes Magnum P.I went from solving crimes to committing a footballing one, scuffing in a fourth off his studs. And then much drunkenness followed at the dinner - it sums up the Fourths when Burruchaga and Al Lee win awards for football...YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.     

 

The Comics fell at the final hurdle, deservedly so, as they were unable to spawn one last victory against superior opposition (possibly more superior than they ought to be - I shall be investigating how they managed to not play their first team double-header on the final day of the season). Coops rushed Denis Compton-style from the cricket to open the scoring with a smart chip, but a couple of good chances were missed (Joe choosing only to score when it can't count). By half-time Joey and Goddard were off injured and we were up against it. The Wandsworth pressure finally told when Al Lee sliced into his own net, and as the Comics flagged two more goals followed from their super-sub (who seemed rather better than some of their starting XI), and so not only the title but also promotion were missed. At least we retained our dignity in defeat, unlike the champs, for some of whom this will be their greatest achievement until they win the Wormwood Scrubs pool tournament. But in all fairness they were an excellent side and another season at this level may well be for the best.